If you are in a relationship, are you of the opinion that your lover…
- ‘should’ be the one who pleasures you?
- ‘should’ be the one who awakens your body?
- ‘should’ be the one who makes you feel sexual?
- ‘should’ be the one who “gives” you orgasms?
If you’re thinking anything along the lines of…
“Well, duh… that’s not my job, is it?”
I feel you… I know that story well from past relationships – and it’s something that still comes up from time to time.
However, if I’m honest, I’m aware that this pattern isn’t actually serving me that well.
For me, the (over-exaggerated) mental story might go something like this:
“I’m tired, I’m exhausted, I’m doing so much stuff, I’ve taken on too much work. I’ve got deadlines dammit! Stuff that desperately needed to be done a month ago. You have no idea how busy I am….I don’t have time to look after myself. I don’t have time to feel good in my body. It’s all too hard, I’m too tired to feel sexy!”
(whinge whinge whinge!)
So for those of you who recognise this KIND of pattern, your version might be similar to this:
You’re exhausted and drained, you’ve been busy all day. You probably haven’t done much to feel connected to your body, much less your pelvis and your sexual energy. In fact, you might have done things that actively discourage connection to that area.
Maybe you’ve been sitting in front of a computer most of the day, which creates tension in the muscles and connective tissue of the pelvic region (which means not much blood flow) and can compress the nerve pathways (which means not much sensation).
You’re not feeling that connected to yourself, which means it could be hard to feel connected to someone else too!
You’ve been doing heady stuff at work so your focus is in your mind (which means you’re probably not feeling your body much).
Does that sound familiar at all?
How well is it going to go, turning up to a date night with your partner like that?
Is it setting the vibe for a delicious evening of intimate exploration?
Mmmm not so much. I mean, it’s possible to have amazing sex starting from that place, but it’s way less likely.
I know how it is for me, if I turn up to date night feeling flat, disconnected, numb and tired.
It feels like swimming through molasses.
Everything seems like it’s in slow motion (but not in a good way!).
It feels draining and frustrating.
So… WHAT IF you could come to your partner feeling…
- IN your body
- Awakened and energised
- Connected to yourself
- Relaxed and open
- Sexy and inspired to be intimate in whatever way feels right
- Detached from any idea of a goal
And what if your partner did the same?
How would your intimate life be then? (WOW!)
I know it’s not always possible. I know (as much as anyone, trust me!) that life is INTENSE.
I know that sometimes we’re just TIRED and that’s how it is. That there are times when we’re just disconnected.
… but I ALSO know that IF I made it a priority…
I COULD take steps to feel more connected to my body before a date with my partner.
I COULD do some dancing, yoga or movement – even just for 5-10 minutes, to bring me into a state of presence with myself, to feel juicy and open.
I COULD put the laptop and phone away half an hour before, let go of the technology and take the time to have a shower and wear something on that helps me to feel kinda sexy (note: I said ‘something that helps me to feel sexy’, not ‘something sexy’ – there’s a difference!)
I COULD also take more time alone sometimes to discover more of my own body and my pleasure potential – thus naturally making me a more connected lover – because I know my own body.
I COULD do things throughout my day that bring me more into contact with pleasure and presence – take a moment to savour the taste of the fruit I’m eating, get up from the computer and have dance breaks every little while, walk barefoot on the beach in the morning, massage my body all over with coconut oil after a shower, listen to music I love in the car and sing out loud…
I know all the things I COULD do…
But still sometimes I forget.
And that’s ok.
Right now though, I’m remembering.
What steps could you take to feel more connected to your body before intimate time with your partner?
There’s a reward system payoff here for me because I know that when I take steps to be more connected to myself before intimate time with my partner…
- I feel in my body, I feel sexy and open
- I feel inspired about life
- I am a more present lover for my partner
- I feel more connected to my partner and not dependent on him to “give me” pleasure
- The pleasure I experience during intimacy is waaaaaay deeper than if I’d just arrived to the date feeling flat and blah
- I open myself up for epic and amazing sex beyond my wildest dreams
Let this serve as a reminder to me – and anyone else who needs some inspiration with this particular pattern.
I can be responsible for my own aliveness, pleasure and connection to my body.
It is not anyone else’s responsibility to “give me” pleasure.
Pleasure is always accessible to me from many different sources.
If you’re a woman, and you’d like to deepen your connection with your own pleasure potential and Yoni…
or if you’re a man who would love to demystify women’s anatomy of arousal and sexuality and learn new ways of relating…
These high quality sex education workshops for adults sell out all over Australia and we’ve released new dates for workshops with our new team of amazing facilitators. We’re offering these whole day experiences in Brisbane, Gold Coast, Melbourne, Byron Bay, Sydney, Perth, Margaret River and more locations to be announced soon. (All dates and booking info on the pages linked above)
Words by Bonnie Bliss
Co-creatress of The Yoniverse and founder of Yoni Mapping Therapy