We often spend a lot of time looking at how to improve ourselves, our health, our fitness, our business…
But somehow when it comes to our relationship… we think they should just workout without us putting too much extra efforts into them or reviewing what’s working and not working.
Like any business I believe we need to assess ourselves and our relationship health on a regular basis
I recommend doing this every 3 months to stay on track and really get a good look at how you are showing up in your relationship.
If you were to mark yourself on a scale from 0 to 10 on how you are showing up in your relationship, how would you rate yourself according to the following questions:
- How much do you give real attention/presence to your partner?
- How much do you appreciate them?
- How much do you make their heart skip?
- How safe do you think he/she feels with you?
- How satisfied to you think your partner is with your sexual connection?
For those of you who are in a relationship where it is safe to give and receive honest feedbacks and you can both share without taking things personally, I would also ask your partner to rate you afterwards so you can see if she/he feels the same and get a more accurate idea of how you are truly showing up. You can then decide to do the same for your partner.
This only works though when both partner are willing to sit down and hear honest truth about themselves and how they are showing up.
You can then ask what can I do to make it a 10… and please listen with an open heart and go do it.
Do not ask if you are not willing to change or make any efforts.
GREAT relationships do not happen by magic, they are like a garden, they require love, attention, appreciation, care and a whole lot of fertiliser in order for them to thrive and nourish us back.
Now that you have rated yourself you might want to have a look at a the questions below. This is more of a self assessment. You can discuss these points with your partner but be mindful if you go into only seeing how they are not doing this thing as it can often mask how you are not personally showing up.
Stay focused on your part.
* Do you have an intention to have a GREAT relationship and to work at making it better?
You see the problem in most relationship is not a lack of love but it’s a lack of acknowledgement that like anything else, you relationship will require your time, energy and passion to flourish.
Too many of us, get comfortable in our relationship, we give it all to our work, to our duties, to our kids… to pretty much everything else and then we come to our partners feeling tired and flat and with very little left to give.
Home and more specifically our bedroom becomes that place where we come to rest, unwind but not necessarily invest in.
I have seen this in so many relationships, we become good at doing life alongside each other but the spark and the passion has pretty much left the house.
A few things here:
- Look at your belief around relationship and sex… do you believe that they should, somehow just work magically without any efforts?
- Are you open to still learning when it comes to sex and relationship?
- How much do you prioritise your relationship over your work or commitments for example?
What would a GREAT relationship looks like to you?
How do you feel in it?
And finally what would you need to do in order to create it?
Are you really interested in your partner?
Over time it’s easy to stop really looking at who we share our life with.
We think we know our partner and we stop being curious about them, about their dream, their fears, their aspirations… especially if they do not align with ours… It’s easier to just put our head in the sand.
Even their body, we just assume we know how to play them and do not try to discover new ways to touch them and enliven them.
But how much do you really know your partner, and by that I mean not who they were when you meet them but who they are today.
When was the last time you really looked at them without the filter of every day life?
When was the last time you sat down and ask questions about him or her?
When was the last time you touch your partner like it was the first time?
We all thrive on attention, when someone is really present with us and interested in us.
When was the last time you offered such a space for your partner?
What can you do to create it?
How much do you adore your partner?
Like really adore them?
When was the last time you made them blush with a compliment in front of family or friends?
When was the last time that you devour his/ her body like it was the most delicious dish?
We can be very appreciative at the start of a relationship but again with time, many people start to take their partner for granted and actually more often than not I see couples complaining about each other in public as a way to get back at each other or something…
What do you think that creates in your partner??? Opening or closing?
In the tradition of Tantra there is a principle that we work with called Transfiguration and it’s about seeing your partner as a god or a goddess.
It’s a very powerful way to go beyond our everyday seeing of them.
How differently would you talk to them or about them, how differently would you touch them?
And the funny thing that happen, the more we see them in that light, the more they show up as that.
So have a play and next time you are in bed with your partner see them and touch them like they were a god or goddess and see what happens.
When was the last time you created a unique experience for or with your partner?
Relationship thrive on magic and excitment, on amazing time spent together, moments that will be remembered forever.
Have you planned this in your year?
In the same way that you plan work and holidays with the family, can you plan time away together every 3 months or so? A weekend away, a special experience shared, something that will make the both of you feel your love and connection deeply again…
We do need to invest time in our relationship and make it a priority otherwise life just happens, and our connection that was once magical just weathers down and you come to a place of wondering what happened…
If you want some special time with your partner to rediscover them in a new light and at the same time an opportunity to learn practices and tools to connect deeper together, I highly recommend you have a look at our Couples Retreat. It happens every year and it is like fertiliser on steroids for your relationship… not bragging here but we do know what we are doing.
It’s 4 days of magic where you and you partner get to connect deeply and remember the love and passion that is between you… and that remembering will continue to grow as you leave.
“What did we receive from the retreat?
Wow ………well it is truly impossible to put into words, but I’ll point you in the direction:
A deep feeling that I have secretly known in my body existed, but never felt/ experienced before this retreat. The connection to my husband just dived deep below the surface during our time and there is an ocean awaiting us to explore, now we have been given the right equipment.
To anyone considering this retreat, I would say: That love you feel when you first fall head over heels for each other CAN last a lifetime AND get better. We wish we had been taught this! Don’t wait another moment. Just do it. Somethings in life are worth more than gold and this is one of them. “ – Kristy & David, 18 years together
Yes somethings are worth more than gold… our relationships are.
So whether you decide to come to the Couples Retreat or no, if you do want to have a GREAT relationship remember to create space for magic… It is vital.
Hope this will inspire you to show up fully in and for your relationship.
I would love to hear what happens when you do.
Much Love and pleasure,
Image credit: Pablo Merchan Montes on Unsplash
Elise Savaresse is one of the co-creator of The Yoniverse.
She has been deeply involved in exploring Conscious Sexuality and Intimacy for the last decade.
She has an online program for women supporting them to reconnect with the power and wisdom of their Yonis, and she travels all over Australia and overseas offering workshops and retreats for men, women and couples.
Her vision is to support men and women to experience the beauty and sacredness of sexuality and have thriving relationships.