There’s this this thing that really bothers me about how we learn stuff.
We quite happily go to educational institutions or find people to teach us so we can learn certain skills and tools.
For our careers.
For our future aspirations.
For creative projects.
For things we’re interested in generally.
For ideas we want to bring to fruition.
We understand that there are people who know how to teach and guide us in these fields…
And we get that it’s often easier and more efficient to ask for support in these areas (Sometimes we even choose to work it out ourselves if we’re really inspired!)
Through receiving this support from people who know the field on a deeper level, plus practicing and learning more, over time we can experience a higher level of expertise or mastery in the chosen area.
We seem to easily understand that we probably weren’t born with a natural ability to magically do things like: PhotoShop, electrical wiring, piano playing, computer programming, yoga or business management.
Yet somehow, there’s this common story that when it comes to sex and intimacy, we ‘should’ magically be the best lover on the planet.
Why is that!?
This story we might be telling ourselves continues…
We’re supposed to magically know how to please a lover in every way.
We’re supposed to know exactly how to touch a partner.
We’re supposed to be able to offer mind-blowing best-ever oral experiences to a lover.
We’re supposed to know all about their pleasure anatomy.
We’re supposed to know about all the different kinds of orgasms.
We’re supposed to just do the ‘right’ thing all the time.
We’re supposed to be totally confident in bed at all times.
Ummm… says f**king who!?
And HOW are we supposed to know this stuff anyway?
We’re putting all this pressure on ourselves, even when we never learnt this stuff growing up. We didn’t learn it in school. We didn’t go to some mythical ‘sex and intimacy’ school.
In fact, many of us learned things that actually inhibit our healthy sexual exploration:
- We learn early on that sex is just about diseases and pregnancy.
- We learn to disconnect from our bodies and favour the mind.
- We learn to go for the ‘finish line’ with sex – focusing on orgasm as the goal.
- We learn to do sex hard and fast like we see in porn.
- We learn ridiculous things like “5 ways to make him hot for you” – from dodgy articles in trashy magazines.
- We learn that the clitoris is the ‘only’ location of orgasm (not true, by the way!)
- We learn to see women as objects (or our own bodies as objects) from what we witness in advertising.
- We learn that our bodies are something to be ashamed of and that masturbation (or self pleasure) is wrong and bad.
The amazing thing is that despite all of that, we work it out and manage to (sometimes) have functional sex lives. Which is pretty incredible!
Now, I know that there ARE definitely people who have a natural flow when it comes to intimacy and sex (lucky bastards!)
But many of us would probably benefit from being open to explore some new ideas, approaches, skills or techniques.We can learn these from various places…
books, podcasts, articles, online courses or retreats and workshops.
To be honest, I am definitely NOT one of those naturally gifted people with sex.
Sex never came naturally to me. In my mid 20s I definitely THOUGHT it did (I was probably just really drunk!) I THOUGHT I was a good lover. I had the idea that I ‘knew what I was doing’…
But about 8 years ago I eventually realised that wasn’t true, ate a good dose of humble pie and began immersing myself in learning about this topic that I love so much.
It’s been such an eye-opening process for me. I’ve realised that there’s so much more to discover.
What I thought sex was, actually turned out to be just the tip of the iceberg.
I used to think orgasm always involved lots of tension and squeezing and only clitoral stimulation. I thought that ‘good sex’ was sex where both of us had an orgasm at the end. I didn’t even imagine that I could experience much pleasure internally.
It was incredibly freeing to let go of the idea that I was magically supposed to know what to do sexually – and just allow myself to explore and discover what was interesting.
I’m grateful to have benefited from the teachings of so many amazing mentors and facilitators over the last 8 years in different parts of the world.
And I’m honoured to be a sex educator myself – where I get to support people in workshops to deepen their connection with their sexuality.
So, if you’re ready to open yourself to learn some epic, lesser-known stuff about sexuality…
Here at the Yoniverse, we offer Australia’s most widepread intimacy and sex education events for adults, with over 1000 participants in our workshops so far, in 8 different locations around Australia.
The Yoniverse currently has 3 beautiful offerings:
These workshops book fast all over Australia, so do jump in soon if you’d like to join us!
A whole day workshop for men to discover the mysteries of women’s sexuality.
All the secret things women tell us privately. Powerful anatomy of arousal teachings.
Yoni Massage LIVE demonstration. Discussion and information. Lots of lush practices to take home and play with.
A whole day workshop for women to explore the magic of our own bodies. Embodied processes and ritual, theory, LIVE demonstrations and lots of nurturing time with other women, as well as lots of tools and practices to take home and explore further.
4 whole days of bliss and awesome relationship juju with your partner in the rainforest, not far from Byron Bay. These retreats are a complete ‘Relationship Reset’ – remembering the epic love that you share, and exploring all kinds of new ways to be intimate together and offer each other immense pleasure and joy. (Yummm, yes please!)
These events have been described as ‘life-changing’ and ‘the sex education we all should have received at school!’.
Obviously, it would be great to have workshops for women about men and for men about themselves – (and all kinds of other configurations!) The Yoniverse kinda specialises in Yoni (vagina) related stuff – so we haven’t quite created those ones yet, but hopefully one day in the not too distant future! In the meantime, if you’re interested, you can find related offerings elsewhere.
The possibilities are infinite!
PS. Remember, next time you judge yourself – you’re not just supposed to magically know how to please a partner. It’s a skill that can be learnt!
Words by Bonnie Bliss,
the co-founder of the Yoniverse and creator of ‘Yoni Mapping Therapy- the Bliss Method’.