Let’s be real… porn has affected all of us… and what we can do about it!

 

Porn has given all of us a very twisted view of sexuality.

One that is focused on men’s pleasure and focus on the goal of orgasm and ejaculation.

One that is degrading and objectifying of women…

One that give unrealistic expectations of men’s performance…

One that is totally disconnected from the beauty and sacredness of sex

 

And what I find is a real issue is that it is getting worse and worse… and that it is actually a real problem for the sexual development of the younger generations.

 

Here is an expert of an article on how the brain works and respond to porn:

Until recently, scientists believed our brains were fixed, their circuits formed and finalised in childhood, or “hardwired”. Now we know the brain is “neuroplastic”, and not only can it change, but that it works by changing its structure in response to repeated mental experience.

 

One key driver of plastic change is the reward centre, which normally fires as we accomplish a goal. A brain chemical, dopamine, is released, giving us the thrill that goes with accomplishment. It also consolidates the connections between neurons in the brain that helped us accomplish that goal. As well, dopamine is secreted at moments of sexual excitement and novelty. Porn scenes, filled with novel sexual “partners”, fire the reward centre. The images get reinforced, altering the user’s sexual tastes.

 

Once the reward centre is altered, a person will compulsively seek out the activity or place that triggered the dopamine discharge. (Like addicts who get excited passing the alley where they first tried cocaine) They crave despite negative consequences. (This is why those patients could crave porn without liking it.)

 

Worse, over time, a damaged dopamine system makes one more “tolerant” to the activity and needing more stimulation, to get the rush and quiet the craving. “Tolerance” drives a search for ramped-up stimulation, and this can drive the change in sexual tastes towards the extreme.

 

The most obvious change in porn is how sex is so laced with aggression and sadomasochism. As tolerance to sexual excitement develops, it no longer satisfies; only by releasing a second drive, the aggressive drive, can the addict be excited. And so – for people psychologically predisposed – there are scenes of angry sex, men ejaculating insultingly on women’s faces, angry anal penetration, etc”

 

So what this means in relation to porn users, is they require more and more stimulations, so more crazy shit, more violence is often needed in order to feel anything…

 

So what can happen is the violence that is inflicted to women get more and more intense…

And the thing is,  women are often portray as enjoying it!

Giving a clear message: Women like violence and degradation.

 

 

Now, I am not sure about you, but I grew up in the era of tapes…

My exposure to sex was ONE tape that we found from my dad.

All the kids of my neighbourhood got together and we watch it at home.

 

This ONE tape already installed in me some expectations of what sex looked like, and what was my role in it.

Think about it… Visual imprints are so very powerful and porn is for most of us the only visual imprint we ever have of sex.

Now, kids are exposed to pretty intense and violent porn on demand, and children as young as 13 are already addicted.

 

Do you know what it is creating?

A totally twisted view on sex, relating and intimacy for our young generation.

 

Here are some examples of what young girls are expected to do:

  • Give blowjobs before kissing
  • Send naked photos of themselves and if they don’t, some boys totally manipulate them to and then force them to have sex with them or they will release the pictures
  • Say yes to violent sex
  • No isn’t really no
  • Being ganged bang until they bleed and with their consent.

 

So, we may think that no-one who has any level of self esteem would agree to be treated in that way.

But that is the impact that porn has on girls, it normalises and desensitises the violence and aggressive behaviour and is changing societies baseline of ‘normal’.

 

 

And for boys, they aren’t developing relational skills, true connection, compassion or patience for that matter.

 

Now I KNOW how beautiful, sacred and incredibly connecting sex can be…

I also know how damaging and traumatizing early unhealthy sexual behaviours are and how deep they can run.

And I believe we are ALL responsible to create a change… not only for ourselves BUT for our children… They need us to step in, they need us to STEP UP!!!

 

What can we do about it:

 

  • We can pretend nothing is happening and look the other way…

I would highly recommend not to pick this option especially if you have children!

  • Stop watching porn to stop the imprinting

Nothing is going to change until we stop feeding our brain this messages.

  • We can look at the way that we feel and do sex

Is it fulfilling?

Is it something you would like your children to explore in the same way?

Is it a beautiful part of your life or is it repressed or unhealthy?

If we do not believe sex is beautiful and sacred and an healthy expression of life, how are our children going to believe it themselves.

  • Get educated:

There is a lot of great information out there but if you would like a tangible experience of what sex could be, go to a Yoniverse workshop or masterclass.

One of our mission is to bring the beauty, power and sacredness of sex back into our collective psyche.

This will only work if we do it as a collective.

So transforming the way that you see, feel and do sex is actually a kind of activism. 🙂

  • Talk to our children about sex

Like us, they need to be educated and the truth is, if you do not have the conversation, they will find the information somewhere else… on the internet and yes with porn.

So there is no getting away from this. And we need to be honest with them about the impact of porn… This is not innocent behaviour and there is a high chance of them being addicted. 

If this idea makes you feel uncomfortable, please find support.

Lily Isobella one of our facilitator also runs events all over Australia called Courageous Conversations, where she supports parents to talk about sex with their children and how to do it effectively.

https://lilyisobella.com.au/parenting-forum/

  •  Resensitize yourself

Porn totally desensitize you to actually real life connections and feelings.

In order to experience deep connection and fulfilling sex with your partner, you will need to resensitize yourself.

If you acknowledge that porn has impacted the way that you relate sexually in an unhealthy way, this is the part where you have to do the job for yourself so that you can be the change and example for your children.

 

Here are a couple of things you can play with to bring more connection into your relationship, which will bring more juiciness in the long run to your love making.

Connect with your partner through touch without a goal of making love, actually remove ‘making love’ all together for a few times. It will support you to become more present with yourself and your partner and relaxed with your own arousal

Caress their skin with curiosity and just notice how they respond to your touch. Again letting go of wanting to give them any specific experience or sensations, just play and explore. Explore with different types of touch – soft, sensual, firm, ticklish …

Focus your attention on your partner’s experience in their body. What porn does is that it totally disconnects you from experiencing both arousal and connection. Porn is all about personal pleasure so it’s about learning again to feel both pleasure and your partner’s experience of pleasure. To do that, I would first focus on your partner’s experience of pleasure first… this will activate your pleasure anyway.

 

For this exploration, you really want to create an open, curious and non goal oriented space.

It’s important to give each other such a space sometimes where just being and feeling is allowed, without anything being expected of us.

This place is spacious and the more you can rest within it either as giver or receiver the more you will be able to let go of a goal in your love making and experience deeper and deeper state of connection and intimacy with your partner.

 

If you want more tips on bringing beauty, healing and sacredness into your love making that also totally includes juiciness, play and passion, make sure to come to one of our workshops. Our team of facilitators run them all over Australia and we share so many tools, approaches and practices to move in this direction.

 

With so much love and pleasure,

Elise Savaresse- Co Founder of The Yoniverse

 

 

Elise Savaresse is the co-creator of The Yoniverse.

She has been deeply involved in exploring Conscious Sexuality and Intimacy for the last decade.

She has an online program for women supporting them to reconnect with the power and wisdom of their Yonis, and she travels all over Australia and overseas offering workshops and retreats for men, women and couples.

Her vision is to support men and women to experience the beauty and sacredness of sexuality and have thriving relationships.

www.elisesavaresse.com

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