I was reflecting this morning on dynamics in the bedroom and in relating in general…
What creates deeper connection and what seems to separate us…
I realise that one issue that often arises in relationship comes from unhealthy patterns of giving and receiving or taking and surrendering.
These don’t seem to come up so much at the start of relationship but soon enough you can be sure they will arise as our old patterns show up…
When we start a relationship, we are more giving, more receiving, more full in our being as fears or old habits of behaving haven’t yet shown up fully but as we move forward we can tend to revert to ways that are not supporting of our relationship.
I am going to explore the energies of giving, receiving, taking and surrendering in more details and give you examples of what vicious cycles can be created from lack of understanding of energetic dynamics in sex and relating.
In themselves, all the energies can be fun to play with…
As a woman I love receiving love and gentleness It helps me to soften within myself.
I love giving and seeing my partner soften within himself.
I also love playing with the energy of taking and the power that I feel in the moment and watching the surrender or resistance in my partner…
And let me tell you, I do not know one woman that doesn’t want to feel her partner fully taking her…
Most women I have talk to or worked with long to be taken and open to surrender…
So why are we struggling sometimes to be attuned sexually…
One of the reason can be from being in a different place and desiring to embody a different energy or from resistance to an energy due to old patterns of relating.
So imagine this…
You haven’t slept well for a few days and you are so tired from looking after your baby all day, you get to bed and all you want to do is sleep…
Your partner turns around and pull you close towards him and you can feel his desire for intimacy… and everything in you shuts down..
Why, because his desire feels like he wants something from you and you have nothing else to give, all you really want is being held and not having to do anything.
His desires feels like taking and all you are open to is to receive… those 2 energies clash.
Or…
Your partner is constantly nagging at you that you do not do enough, she always wants more, ask for more. You do give to her but it doesn’t come from a full willingness to give as you feel pressured and the result, she is still unsatisfied and you really wonder why she can’t just be happy…
Her energy feels like taking and makes you unable to truly give which in turn unable her to receive.
The dynamics between human being are way more complex than what we see on the surface… so much is going on that is not being expressed and talked about.
And one issue comes from our lack of fullness in any specific energy and the cycle that it creates…
If you give half heartedly, what you create is an inability for the receiver to enjoy your gift fully and it can even create resentment.
If you don’t receive fully the giving of your partner and appreciate it, over time they won’t want to fully give to you as you are unable to receive the fullness of their being and they will stop giving…
If your partner is longing to be taken and surrender and you find it challenging to fully take it, it’s going to be soooooo fucking frustrating for her and over time she will lose trust in you.
Another issue is unhealthy patterns in a specific energy…
If you have been in a situation where you feel you are always being taken from, you will tend to hold back from your giving as you don’t fully feel you have a choice in giving…
If you constantly come home and expect to be receiving and be held but not hold that place for you partner too… After a while she/ he will be resentful, etc…
The issue is that those dynamics are often self perpetuating and a specific patterns may feed on your partner’s pattern. Like the partner who always wants more, the other partner doesn’t give wholeheartedly which creates more resentment etc etc etc…
This is how a lot of couples end up in situation where they cannot see a way out of the situation.
To bring awareness to all this dynamics, one thing you can do is start playing with all the different energies consciously and the bedroom is a great place to do that.
Here is how you do it, you set up a night a week where you are going to play with one energy:
One embodying giving while the other receive and another night swapping.
One embodying taking while the other surrenders and again another night swapping
(Please make sure you set a safe container first by sharing your desire, fears and boundaries before each embodiment of energy.)
What are the benefits of doing this practice:
You can be present with what comes up for you with each energy
You can feel how each energy feels in your body.
Your partner can do the same and you get to discuss your experiences, where you feel strong, where you feel uncomfortable, which energy you could not embody fully, the stories attached to each energy and maybe some of the ways that these same dynamics may appear in other areas of your life and why…
All these discussions need to happen with a lot of compassion and avoiding shaming and blaming because truth be told we all act out of our unconscious (which runs 96% of our actions and decisions), so understanding and compassion can go a long way especially when we open ourselves to see that our partner have not been acting a certain ways to piss us off but just out of old pattern, fear or reaction.
If you are wanting to grow together this practice will give you incredible keys to support each other into wholeness and wholeheartedness… and fucking incredible sex too 😉
This is a quick intro to these concepts and I will be writing a lot more on this in the coming months but if you have any question please sent it to our email with ‘Question for Elise’ as the subject.
Much Love
Elise
Elise Savaresse is the co-creator of The Yoniverse.
She has been deeply involved in exploring Conscious Sexuality and Intimacy for the last decade.
She has an online program for women supporting them to reconnect with the power and wisdom of their Yonis, and she travels all over Australia and overseas offering workshops and retreats for men, women and couples.
Her vision is to support men and women to experience the beauty and sacredness of sexuality and have thriving relationships.